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Paper Light

by Julian Cartwright

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1.
Like to be here, I’d hate to be nowhere. I’d like to see clear, as above, can I go there? Why am I stuck in the wrinkles of my own bed? Why is the new start I need laid so deep in a mess? Songs that strike me, fate pressed into my eardrum. Things that hold me tightly aren’t so great. Do you need some? I’m just saying what’s on the tip of my tongue. I’m just breathing the dead air on the tip of my lung. No surprise I’m feeling things I can’t hold back. There’s a time for cold restraint, but I already lived that. No one has really caught my heart or my feet. I’m electric with joy, you think I’m pretty neat. But my words are idle, my mind can’t move fast. You think your word is final, then finality zooms past. I’m not gonna wait for your perfect crime. I’ve got a damn good sense about it, and I know time. Like a friend who’s in danger but won’t even need luck, I’m right there in the shadows, I’m there with fifteen bucks. Now I’m playing with the future on a spending spree. You’ve got a mind to play me too, but look who’s there for me. Look who’s there for me Look who’s there for me The Michelin Man on the White House lawn in his car with his boots and his best-laid plans. Wide open arms ending in strange hands.
2.
Maze 02:04
in a maze in a small town, paper made into a small crown. Under thunder, naked beasts crawl. Rich men plunder, fall asleep in sprawl. In your shed, things in your head resound. Looking down the fast lane, you can’t see the town. When I’m living inside, I’m living inside and you live out your time the same as I. But now I’m shrinking the world to fill my shoe. Assuming the fear in me is like the fear in you.
3.
Come sit with me and help me wait it out Years are piling up here on my old brown couch I’m waiting for the taste to hit me, the sound to fill my brain. Waiting for new friends to hate me, And my unskillful game. I’m waiting for a spray of citrus that makes it Christmas to me. Can’t really explain in English what I want to hear or see. So just come sit with me and help me wait it out. Hopes have piled high up on my old brown couch. I’m appearing in ultraviolet like a breadcrumb on the seat. Vibrating on silent, asking you to answer me. It’s neither here nor there where I am, I’m just right in-between. Lined up in the queue for delight like it’s a show I’ve never seen. So just come sit with me. Rest your head and stretch your feet where so many identical moments pass and never will repeat.
4.
To restyle and retool my daydreams, Step to the left of my life into the cool of the outside. But it works on the logic of a ceaseless fire. It’s the end of the road, better watch your pockets. Beginning of a hologram, get-rich-quick scam. For all the billionaires in their rockets, It won’t matter to you who I am You are entering a tiny, backward world filled with privateers, racketeers. It may seem like this fortune is bogus after meditating fifteen years. To restyle and retool your daydreams, step to the left of your life down into the cool of the outside. But it works on the logic of a ceaseless fire. Illumination is the kindest lover. You can’t remember when to call. I can’t remember what dress she desired, backed in the corner at the mall. Stand up and say that I’m not crazy for what I’m tryin’ to do! What was it that I was trying before I met you? To restyle and retool my daydreams, Step to the left of my life into the cool of the outside. It works on the logic of a ceaseless fire. I can’t remember what she desired. This is my only outlet, I’ve got to tell you something quick. It’s a long way to here From coolness Just give me a big old break. Or stand up and tell me As you come back from the cool. Stand up and tell me I’m not crazy For what I’m tryin’ to do. Tell me I'm not crazy For what I’m tryin’ to do.
5.
Summer Is 02:19
Summer is sand A makeshift desert Sleep just a wink away Summer is heat Increased for no reason Sun and earth Agreed to play. Summer is failing Summer is strain, the worst and best of times, stuck in frozen lanes. Summer is silly, shorts and misery Sat side by side as it starts to rain. Summer is thrilling-- Instant surrender, A pure biological exchange. We molt like a cobra, we’re sad when it’s over. All we wanted was some kind of change. Summer is soda A crazy proposal when winter was deep in our veins. Hopes were brewing down in the mortal basin and the thought, “Will you come home to stay?”
6.
Paper Light 02:27
Meet you in the courtyard Or the Wawa at the edge of town If you want to make it tomorrow, Today you want to hang around? 1967, 1972 2020: That’s the year I forgot to call you Wanna go find my bike? I’m feeling paper-light Alive beyond all my means Tennis courts open late Stage lights on Peter’s gate Such sights rarely really seen. I’m sorta losing track of time Hot summer soda, hint of lime And a rush of bad AC You wanna call me first? You know this town is cursed. Heaven is you and me. Now years slip by Like moments in your room I think I might sleep over Or see you soon It’s hard to remember To brute force ahead. Hard to remember To sustain the gentleness we had. Thursday, Friday Mark the calendar full. Everything I say is empty Like “sure” and “thanks” and “cool”. You always did hate to play the violin. Now tell me straight, is it too late For me to play the fool?
7.
Thought I saw the sign for Medford on the Pike iris caught that eastern light Still not sure where this local road may lead But on the superhighway, I don’t feel so freed I could spend a lifetime falling through the sky, Instead I sit so cheaply in regret For things I didn’t do and haven’t happened yet. On top of Pittsburgh’s new Ferris wheel, in plain view, it is a secret, secret feel I can’t wrap around my finger a world that slips out from my arms but that is the world I get. That is the world I get
8.
Wait So Long 04:38
Had to wait too long For my way back home Became part of the wallpaper In a place without love Where the bored and surly Go toe to toe A place trapped in time But time will never know Where am I going That I would find myself here? Just sit and exhale, Wait for an exit to appear As soon as you leave the station It’s clear That there’s no way to the future From here What a familiar feeling What a familiar place Out of habit I think I could live out my life In its embrace And lay my head down low And lay my head down low Breathalyzer, Polygraph, Ultrasound, dowsing stone. Advances don’t mean much, Things turn to rust. Wandering into a place like this You can begin to see Why the classes interests Aren’t in synchrony And don’t know who to trust We don’t know who to trust Had to wait so long We turn to gin We make our beds And shake our heads Say, “That’s what I detest” Or “That’s just a product of the generation.” Why we live in such heavy doubt I can’t really say. But it’s not cause we’ve grown Up that way. We just had to wait so long, We missed the train, We missed the train.
9.
Third Strike 03:38
Let’s get away Lets go someplace North or south We’re gonna sweat The same mistakes Let’s get out of this torpor The coin tossed with haste On a crosstown bus Or on foot across the interstate The last laugh of the tour And was the last laugh Always what you were Looking for? You put on the brakes Released into a swarm. At the first red light, You can’t seem to remember Her name anymore Let’s go to sleep Everyone has to lose the fight Seems like we’re in the same situation Every single night. The match after your third strike Pull back the curtain on this. How do you get up knowing You can’t make it? Yeah, and you can’t burn bright? You can't burn bright
10.
Again 03:30
Fox squirrels walking in my walls again, hot summers flipping into falls again it won’t be long before we change, sometimes destroyed. Nights lose out to days, tools become toys. These meals mashed together from fermented soy, these wheels and rusty gears that let us ride into our joy. Hot metal is melted into bells again. Spices fry, home temples fill with smells again. The roasted sides of ships are cracking, help is on the way and then a worried hand is reaching in the sea again. Wax has hardened on a wooden floor, shoes write in rubber as they turn and score. Earth made a pact with the heart of man. Life made you act within its span. At the core of the real, what you can feel, and in chaos, we are doing what we can.

credits

released September 1, 2023

Mike Eipper saxophone on Look Who's There and Third Strike

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Julian Cartwright New Jersey

Julian Cartwright is a songwriter, instrumentalist, composer and arranger based in the Philadelphia area. Instagram @julian.cartwright.songs

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